The "Older Driver" — A Primer

“If you can’t turn your head in the direction you want to travel, don’t travel in that direction.”

---Anonymous--- 

It seems to me when you gather with friends or enter a room filled with scintillating conversation, you can’t swing a dead cat around without hitting on an exchange of thoughts about the older driver.  So, having studied the subject for a number of years, I thought it would be helpful to provide a guidebook based on my best-selling publication, The Older Driver for Dummies.

First we have to provide a definition of the “Older Driver.”  The answer is surprisingly simple.  An “Older Driver” is anyone who operates a vehicle that is older than you are.

Now that we have an “Older Driver,” we have to provide a framework to determine what constitutes an “Older Driver Vehicle.”  Qualifying vehicles tend to change over time, gaining or losing status.   Fortunately there are national standards that are updated regularly and available free of charge on the Internet.  Therefore it is recommended that the official standings be consulted prior to branding a vehicle as an “Older Driver Vehicle.”  Those meeting the criteria are listed in direct proportion to the number of points accumulated.  Currently the overwhelming frontrunner is the Buick LeSabre.  Other vehicles making the cut are the Ford Crown Victoria, Mercury Grand Marquis, and Cadillac Coupe DeVille, along with the LeSabre’s brethren, the Park Avenue, LaCrosse, Lucerne, and the ever-popular Roadmaster.  Grandfathered into the list are vehicles such as the Chrysler Imperial, Studebaker Lark, and any Cadillac with fins.  So, based on this analysis, the mere presence of a Buick LeSabre would clearly predict an “Older Driver” is within striking distance. 

Each “Older Driver Vehicle” is equipped with all the safety equipment afforded a conventional vehicle even though the “Older Driver” does not use some of them, such as turn signals and seat belts.  The significant mechanical difference is the ODV must be specially fitted with a governor restricting its speed to no more than ten miles per hour less than the existing speed limit.  Acceptable after-market accessories are baseball style caps clearly visible in the rear window depicting any police agency or naval vessel.

Recognizing “Older Drivers” can be based in part on physical attributes.  From the front, they often cannot be seen above the steering wheel.  From the rear, they often cannot be seen above the headrest.  From the side…Well, you get the idea.  Observation of enormous wrap-around horse blinder sunglasses incongruent to the size of the face is a strong indicator of an OD.  And finally, as with any gang, the “flying of colors” should peak your interest.  Any male dressed completely in beige should be suspect.

Driving abilities — or lack thereof — is also helpful in the identification process.  For instance:

• The OD only uses his turn signal when it accidently catches on the sleeve of his Barracuda jacket.
•  “Older Drivers” always stop at traffic signals, — whether red or green — and remain there unfettered for one or more cycles.
•  Whether parallel parking or parking between lines, the OD is secure in his belief that wherever the wheels stop is close enough.
• For better or worse the "Older Driver" takes comfort in the fact that he has a 50/50 chance of stepping on the correct pedal.

 Inevitably during the course of these conversations mentioned at the beginning, the question always arises, “When should an older driver lose his driving privileges?”  Since the wisdom of the Driver Licensing Bureaus of the collective fifty states has failed to address this very point, it would appear this is far too difficult to answer.  But, I’d like to try.

The first time an undersized, beiged-up man older than you with large sunglasses and a Barracuda jacket drives his Buick LeSabre at least half way through the local Wal-Mart, jerk his license.