Christmas with the Phelons

There are few things more loathsome than those family letters that accompany Christmas cards.  Most often written in the third person by some erstwhile relative with a deluded self-belief in his or her writing and parenting skills, they tell tales ad nauseam of the past 365 days for each individual family member while holding you hostage to things you don’t care about anyway.  Opening an otherwise innocuous card and having one of these paper bombs fall out is like having an uninvited guest that just won’t leave.  Over the years I have learned that receiving mail at home is not that dissimilar to that of a work environment.  To be efficient in any office setting the goal is to “touch paper once.”  And to that end I now stand directly over the crosscut shredder when opening certain cards.

So, here’s the letter I’m sending with each card this Christmas:

Dear family and friends,

This past year has been an especially good one for the Phelon family.

We got cable TV at our house this year.  Brother Bobby hooked it up all by himself.  I tend to worry too much, but I just couldn’t look when he was all the way up that pole.  Bobby’s proof positive that you can learn something useful from your time in jail.  He’s pretty sure he can save us some money on our telephone and gas bills, too.

Oldest brother Tom got in a bit of a pickle earlier this year.  I feel like I’m partly to blame.  See, I told him I thought he could make good money taking pictures.  But when I saw him come back from that art gallery with his arms full, I was pretty sure he misunderstood.  Of course you know what a kidder our Tommy is.  At his hearing he admitted what he did, but said he was framed.  The judge didn’t think it was funny but only added an extra year to his probation.  So, we’re thankful for that.

Youngest sister Brandy graduated from eighth grade this year after three tries. That’s a record for our family and we’re so proud of her because her counselor told her they figure they’ve taught her everything they could.  She’s definitely going places.

The twins are doing a lot better this year.  Most of their hair has grown back after that freak accident playing “Flamethrower” with the charcoal lighter.  I still think there should be better warning labels on those cans.  Somebody could really get hurt.

Cousin Tracy has come to live with us for a while.  My brother says she’s been hanging around with the wrong crowd and thinks that spending some time with a stable family will do her a lot of good.  We’re just happy to help.

Big news about our daddy, Jim.  After being out of work for the past nine years, Jim took a correspondence course on electronics repair.  He says there’s hardly anyone out there that can fix 8-track players.  Now, he’s just waiting for the phone to ring.

As for me, I just can’t believe how much money I’ve won from lotteries in Nigeria.  Funny thing is, I don’t remember entering any of them.  They just keep sending me checks and I keep cashing them.  Merry Christmas, me!

Wishing you all the blessings that we have,

The Phelons


Copyright © 2010 by David Mertz